Many of you have been hearing things about us from various sources, and some of you have contacted us to express concern or to ask about what you’ve heard.
To put it plainly and clearly, we have left the Christian church. We consider ourselves, in varying degrees at various times, agnostic, atheist, humanist, or like the great catch-all answer in a multiple choice survey, “Not Sure”.
This is not a sudden thing. It is not caused by a trauma or single event. We feel that this is the natural continuation of our spiritual journey of many years.
Through much of our journey as Christians, we often felt that we didn’t quite fit in with our peers. There have always been some major issues of Christian doctrine and practice with which we didn’t agree. As we matured in our faith and our lives, we began to study these areas and also discovered more of them. As we progressed in our study, we moved further and further from mainstream Christianity as our doubts and concerns took us away from the “accepted position” in more and more ways. Evangelism. Worship. The infallibility of scripture. Creationism. Homosexuality. Abortion. The church’s role in society. The existence of evil. Too many more to name.
I was hesitant to list any examples because that implies that if we only had “correct” answers to certain questions we would return to our life of faith, and that would be putting far too simplistic a face on it. It also implies that we are now 180 degrees opposed the the normal Christian position on those topics, which is also entirely incorrect. Our thoughts on most of those topics usually start with a phrase like “Well, it’s a lot more complicated than that, but…”, and that’s not very acceptable on some of the essential tenets of the faith.
Our decision to leave the church and our faith was one that took years to reach, had hundreds of hours of research and discussion behind it, and was the single most difficult decision that we have ever made. It’s not a step we took lightly or quickly. Actually, I would call it a realization rather than a decision. Over time, we realized that we didn’t believe most of what we said we did by our use of the name Christian, and we didn’t support most of what we said we did through our association with the Christian church.
The intermediate step we took was to begin home churching, thinking perhaps that would help. We began to slowly strip away the parts of expressing our faith that we objected to, or that we felt we couldn’t do in good conscience. After a while we realized that there was nothing left to strip away; we had left it all behind. This was an incredibly hard thing to do. We both reached the conclusion independently at approximately the same time, but were reluctant to tell the other out of fear. When the truth came out and we were each looking at the other with a relieved “You too?” expression, we both knew that this was right for us.
There are some things that we want to clarify for those of you who have expressed concern or have worried about us:
First, nothing has changed except what we call ourselves. There are very few things that have changed about us in the past few years. We have just put names to what we have been feeling and thinking all along. We’re still the exact same people, with the exact same ideas. The exact same things make us laugh and cry. We enjoy doing the exact same things. We still have our same skills and weaknesses. We still want to talk about the same things. We’d still love to spend time with you.
Which leads to the second thing we want you to know: We’re not angry, bitter or disillusioned ex-Christians. We’ve realized that we don’t believe much of what we professed in the past, but we don’t demand or expect that everyone should do the same. This is our decision, not yours. We still respect you and your beliefs, we still acknowledge your decisions as yours to make, and we will fight to let you make them as you see fit.
Thirdly, I’d like you to know about our sorrows. We have been living in fear of the big reveal. We’ve compared it to “coming out of the closet”. Much of our close community is conservative Christian and when we put out some early hints to people, the reaction was painful and severe. We are well aware that our choice will be too much for many of you to accept, and we may never hear from you or see you again. This is our greatest source of pain and sorrow. Taking the steps to deliberately alienate ourselves from the only friends and community that we and our children have known has been the most difficult thing we have ever done, but the fact that we chose this road despite the consequences should indicate how seriously we take our choice. No person would willingly put themselves through this much pain, stress and heartache unless they were truly sure of their path.
We have been avoiding this announcement for months. We knew it was coming, but kept trying to put it off. We know that having this in writing means we have crossed a line that will separate us from a large percentage of people that we consider friends. But we also know that we are happy. We know that we can teach our children what we believe without guilt or a feeling of duplicity. We can be true to our own thoughts and feelings. We know that we have made a decision that is right for us.
My hope is that this message will have no impact on our relationship with any of you. A naive hope, perhaps, but an honest one.
Thank you to those of you who approached us with your concern and questions, we appreciate your thoughtfulness and worry. I apologize to those that approached me that I haven’t responded to (you know who you are and you are loved for it) because we hadn’t sat down to really put any of this together in a single place. I’m sorry to raise this in such an impersonal way, but a broad announcement seemed to be the best way to get it done, like pulling off a band-aid quickly. If you’d like to talk further, we’re here.
If you are interested, we will still be posting regular family updates, photos and information at http://wonderfulpages.com
Thank you for reading.
Kirby and Jennifer and the Crew.
Edit: Welcome to folks from The Meming of Life (and thanks to Dale McGowan for his kind words). We’re still struggling with how to follow this letter up, but we have a series of posts planned on how “it” actually happened and what various reactions have been, and the struggles that we’ve had and are still having because of this letter. Feel free to check back to the main page for more later, or subscribe to the RSS feed so you don’t miss anything.
Also see a followup from my wife here.
Related posts:
68 comments ↓
Hey G-fam,
I have been thinking about this post for the last twelve hours or so. Sorrow does not fully capture what I feel, but its close.
I think back on our friendship, which was largely founded on our mutual forgiveness of sin through Jesus, and I am left with a lot of questions. Not about God, but our friendship. Its like a battle; we are trying to move forward and you see your mate walking away from the line.
However
I think I understand. And if I do, then I have GREAT hope.
You are not alone, we are praying for you guys, and we love you.
BT & M
Hey Kirby – wish I was there for a number of early breakfast talks over this one. You once told me that “friends are shared relationships.” Very true. Thus, many friends will leave not because they are upset with you, but the relationship you have developed is shared over church, the Bible, discussions about God and how His word influences raising kids, being a Godly dad, etc. Just wanted to say that I hope you don’t think less of those friends who wander away – it’s the sharing glue that has dissolved.
Anyhow, since I don’t live there anymore I’d love to hear more from both a friendship and a selfish point of view. Of course I’d love to convince you differently, but it doesn’t sound like either of us are going to be convinced differently this week. SO – could we develop a discussion that I coudl selfishly use for my home team and sermon use?
i think the whole idea of families leaving Christian belief needs to be explored, it would help me communicate my beliefs where people are really struggling, and I think we could both learn a ton.
If not, I’ll still do breakfast with you whenever I get back in town. NOT in the winter, I hope!
Dan
Thanks guys, for trying to understand….
Hi Kirby and Jen,
Thank you for your honesty. I respect it.
C.
You know, K., I’ve always respected you, because you never came across as judging me, or anyone else we wrote with, for not sharing your faith. I liked and like how much you thought about things like that, and still do. I hope you end up being wrong in your concern that you will loose a lot of friends over this, but it’s easy for me to say – as somebody roughly described as an open-minded agnostic, I haven’t really the experience of something this important to my life, my feeling and my thinking changing out of phases with a majority of my friends. To me, a friend is somebody who chooses your company, because they enjoy it. Differences of opinion, creed or political orientation should -have to- change the nature of that kind of relationship.
I’m thinking of you all. Hang in there.
Hey Kirby and Jen,
I just came across your post today, and I must say I was surprised, but only because I have come to exactly the same conclusions myself. There are too many things that I honestly don’t believe that are integral to the Christian doctrine. And over the past three years, after deciding to let go of trying to adhere to beliefs that I’m not truly aligned with, I’m less hard on myself, and oddly enough, feel freer to love other people for who they are.
We get flack from Christian relatives for not teaching Elora about specific religious beliefs or how to pray, but rather we teach her about moral principles, empathy, and unconditional love. We want her to be aware of what is out there, but to have as unbiased view as possible, so she can make her own choices when she is ready.
For as long as I’ve known you guys, you have been truly loving, open-minded, non-judgemental people, and consider you to be true friends.
What a moving, heartfelt message. There might be bumps at the beginning, but if you’re like the literally hundreds of parents I’ve talked to who’ve been through the same transition, it’s probably going much better than you thought it would.
A few will react poorly, but most friends and family, whether now or later, will embrace you and your honesty, even if they disagree with your conclusions. I’ve heard over and over that it deepens more relationships than it strains. I hope the same is true for you.
All the best,
Dale McGowan
I wish I could borrow this letter to send to my family, my husband’s family, and our friends….I too, am still “in the closet” with regard to my (and my husband’s) religious beliefs or lack thereof. I am proud of you all for being able to express those words that I am still unable to speak. Thank you for this letter…*hugs* to you and your family.
Hi,
We don’t know each other, but I wanted to say thanks. I, too, have been struggling to put my own beliefs in perspective and have come to the realization that a great deal of what I thought I believed, I do not. I read your letter with great self interest, wondering what the reactions of my friends and family would be if this were my own letter. You are correct about living as if in the closet. It is scary business and will take great courage and conviction to say these things aloud.
You have my greatest admiration for your bravery and desire to live an authentic life. Good luck.
I don’t know you, but I wanted to post and say thank you for putting down in text what I’ve gone through myself. I was a born-again Christian for most of my life and my process of leaving was much like you described yours; slow, deliberate, painful, and in the end rewarding.
You are such a strong family. You may lose friends over this and that is sad, but realize there are friends to be made….in your immediate community and out.
I wish you the best. I have been (and in some ways currently am) in the same position you are.
I wrote a similar letter to my pastor and home prayer group in 1997. One or two friends from the group called to say they loved me and would love to see me anytime, but I never got any response at all from the pastor. That surprised me to some extent because I’d had significant conversations numerous times with him and his wife. I, too, was bereft without my friends and community. It was a lonely time; eventually, though, my world widened, and friendships grew everywhere.
I don’t know you guys (came here from The Meming of Life), but I wish you and your family all the best. I’m still in the closet with my parents and most of my friends. I’m not sure when or if I’ll come out, but I imagine the issue will come up as our kid gets older. I plan to stay tuned and see where your journey leads you.
Dan’s point about losing the “sharing glue” rings true with me, btw. I attended an evangelical college and therefore many of my old friends are steeped in that tradition. Most of the people I’ve stayed in touch with and who know I’m not a believer have been cool with who I am, but I avoid certain events that could further old friendships because I anticipate potential awkwardness: e.g., I’d rather not attend school reunions that are soaked to the bone with prayer and worship…so I don’t go…and bonds of friendship get that much weaker. All that to say, if certain friendships weaken in months and years to come, don’t take it personally…the institutional ties that you lose will probably account for much of the change.
Hi,
I found your letter through The Meming of Life … Wow! I wish I had the courage to send a letter to everyone I know like this. I did recently send one to my mother (who shared it with my brother and grandmother). I will say that it did not go well at first, but over time we were able to agree to disagree and move on. I hope the same will happen for you.
My husband and I have quite a few friends that we have shared our worldview with over time, and were surprised to find many had also come to the same “realization” (love the way you put that by the way!).
It was a painful process for me, at times still is, but like you, I have come out of it being a much happier person.
Thanks for sharing!
Great post. Good luck!
Hello. I’ve never met your family, but I am encouraged by this message. It is a struggle to be open with friends and family who feel that Christianity must be the basis of a good friendship. I struggle with the same things, and many members of my family do not know anything about my personal beliefs because of my struggle and fear to be honest. I hope that you are all doing well, and that you are finding a more honest style of life to be enlightening and wonderful. I wish you the best.
Hi,
You do not know me. A good friend of mine posted your letter on my FB. I just want to tell you how incredible you are for saying what I am sure more people have thought, but never had the courage to act on. I am no longer a Christian, and I have taken a lot of negative from family and friends because of this. My explanations fall on deaf ears, so I no longer try to explain. I am thinking a letter such as yours is the answer. The toughest part is how everyone seems to worry now about my eternal soul. I hear more, “I’ll pray for you” ’s than I care to hear. I politely tell them that I am the only one that needs to worry about my soul, and I am not worried. I live by the basic human decency rules everyone should; be kind to others, be giving, be empathetic, and be honest. I think my soul will be fine.
Good luck to you.
Hi,
I stumbled across this while browsing the web and felt I should leave you a note and say “thank you.” I only wish that I could write a letter as thought out and thorough as yours is.
I don’t know you, but thanks for writing what many atheists go through when reaching a decision like this. When you lose some of your friends, I think that weren’t really friends because they put their belief system over your friendship, which is something no-one should ever do.
-Isaac.
I’m here from a Meming of Life link, and just wanted to say how wonderful your letter is. It really covers so much of what confuses people when one leaves the church. I wish you the best and hope that the friendships you keep will be stronger than ever.
This is so good! It has so much warmth and honesty. I’m using parts of this for my own analogous letter.
Thanks for sharing it.
Kirby & Jen,
I don’t know you (I wish I did) and you don’t know me – and I’m not sure if I’m being intrusive by posting something, but…
…I live in a country where atheism has very little of the stigma it seems to enjoy in America, so my empathy with your situation is purely intellectual, but I have to say how much I admire the courage and honesty it must have taken to post such a letter.
You have done it knowing that you may lose friendships you have cultivated over many years – I hope that won’t happen – but the ones you lose will be the ones that are probably better off lost – your friend Dan Cooley has it right with his “sharing glue”. If all there is to keep you together is a common interest, rather than something deeper then so be it.
Anyway, I feel a bit like I’m crashing a family dinner – but I wanted to let you know, from someone without a vested interest in returning you to the congregation, that you have a complete stranger’s admiration.
Thank-you! And congratulations on your journey and finding the truth! It’s not easy to have the strength and determination to push through and find it. So few do, but in retrospect, in some ways it’s amazing how simple, easy, and obvious it is.
Your letter was wonderfully worded, and expressed clearly and in much better ways what I too went through and felt over the past several years. I wish you all the best; peace, and good luck in your continued journey.
Over the next weeks, months, and years, I suspect you will find out who your true friends are. (And who the “true” christians are I think.) If things don’t always go the way you would like, or you feel “the wall comes up” between you and your old loved ones, I hope you can stay free in spirit, happy and content…
Again, thank-you and good luck!
Hello,
Thank you for sharing this letter with the rest of the planet. I actually followed a link from another site.
I hope that your friends accept you and your family for being true to your convictions. You letter is simply amazingly open and candid.
I can assure you that you and your friends will have plenty of conversations about evangelism, worship, the infallibility of scripture, creationism, homosexuality, abortion, the church’s role in society and the existence of evil. Your friends are going to get very frustrated with you. You have moved beyond certain core assumptions that they will still hold as sacred. Ideas such as the inerrant nature of biblical scripture will seem self evident to them.
In any event, be patient with your friends. I am sure that they love you.
Regards and Best Wishes,
Donald Eric Kesler
Hello,
We don’t know each other but I came across your post through a web site. I just wanted to thank you for putting such a well-written, thoughtful “coming out” letter on your site. I hope it helps many others when they decide to let their friends and families know that they do not necessarily share the same beliefs.
Personally I have never believed in the Christian doctrine, although my whole family seems to be delving deeper and deeper into the more conservative and intolerant aspects as I’ve grown older. It causes me great pains, and I sympathize with your situation. I hope that, since you are making this decision as a family, you will find comfort in one another through the difficult times ahead.
That said, the difficult time should not be too long. For the friends you may lose as the “glue” of Christianity dissolves, you will find new friends with new glue. Those relationships will be just as meaningful and fulfilling, if not more so, as those you had with your Christian peers.
Wishing you the best via the internet,
-Q
I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. Hang in there!
xoxo
Writing this and posting it for everyone you know to see must have been difficult. Grats on your courage.
What you’ve described is somewhat similar to the journey I’m on at the moment. It isn’t easy, but your post is encouraging.
I came here from reddit and was very impressed with the letter you wrote. I had a similar experience to yours several years ago, transitioning from a fundamental Christian belief system to atheism and losing most of my former friends in the process. Take heart; those who truly embody the love they claim to have will stick with you and be understanding. The burden gets much lighter as time goes on and you steadily recover from some of the destructive habits evangelicalism brings, and each day is better than the last. Best of luck to you both!
Hi, I too came to this from Meming of Life. I could have written that letter 8 years ago. I want you to know that it gets better, you make amazing friends, you find out who you essentially are and get amazed at what you are capable of and who you can love. One day you will wake up and realise you are no longer defined by Christianity or ex-Christianity, it just doesn’t matter anymore.
Wishing you strength and grace
You don’t know me, but I would just like to say that you two are lucky. I came to the same conclusion as you 15 years ago. Unfortunately my wife did not. She still can’t let go of her faith even after living with an avowed atheist for the last decade and a half. She too does not believe most Christian doctrines, but she can’t bear the fact that this is our only life. She thinks I’m a lost soul, but I am very confident in my decision. So while you may lose some of your less tolerant friends, you still have your most important friend.
Came here from reddit:
http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/b0hfm/an_open_letter_from_a_couple_who_recently_made/
As a lifelong atheist/agnostic, you have my admiration. Intellectual honesty is a rare quality found least often among the religious.
I found this blog post via reddit.com; you guys are famous! I was raised in an conservative evangelical family and I ended up going through the same process you did. What you said about it being a “realization” more than a “choice” rings true to my experience; my de-conversion was the inevitable result of a growing secular awareness of the world.
In many ways we have it easy, as it is easier to see the glaring problems with fundamentalist theology than with more “mainstream” Christian sects; particularly regarding infallible scripture and young earth creationism. Believing things that can’t be proven one way or another is one thing, believing things that are demonstrably wrong is quite another!
Anyway, don’t feel along; there are a LOT of people who are were you are. You will find a secular community, but it is going to be harder than the pre-baked community you got from Christianity. I still have broken relationships due to losing my religion, and some of them will never be mended.
Like stephy, I don’t know either of you. However, I recently “came out” as an atheist to everyone but my fervently religious family and this post has touched me deeply. Someone close to my heart, who is openly gay and sympathized, gave me some advice. He said that telling them will sting, but in the end it will separate the ones who truly love you from the pretenders.
Thanks for inspiring me! Best wishes to your family and those end up truly loving you.
Meming link follower here.
I went through a similar journey several years ago and can sympathize with your situation. Be assured that there are multitudes of people waiting out there to replace whoever you lose from your current network.
The holes you punched through the walls between belief and unbelief have weakened them for others that will follow. Some day “coming out” won’t be as big a deal as it is today. In the meantime, thank you for doing your part of living your lives honestly and openly for others to see and admire.
I don’t know you, but I both relate to, and envy your experience. I was a believer for 25 years before I came to a similar conclusion, and your letter felt very familiar.
I am envious, however, that you had each other in this. I’m married to a wonderful woman. However, she does not share in my worldview, and was hurt by my eventual decision to “come out of the closet”. Consider yourselves fortunate.
You may lose friends buy it seems evident that you will gain as many if not more with this letter. Good luck. Many of us ex-Christians are behind you.
Stu
Greetings, cruised in here from Reddit.
As a gay man who was raised in a conservative Christian environment, realized his orientation before adulthood and began to question everything that was put in my head by the religious folks around me; I can empathize heavily with you folks and I respect your decision. It is very difficult to strip away dogma, it changes you and your relationship with whom the dogma was a common bond. There may be more folks who are questioning and open-minded like yourselves but are afraid to speak out. You may give them the courage to do so as well.
That said, I also do not hate Christians or believe that it is a completely useless religion. I love Jesus and the example he set for us, I just wish more so-called Christians would act like him. Christianity as a whole has some serious soul-searching to do about their current relationship with society as well as mistakes that the Church has made in the past and there are some hard decisions to be made within the collective if they wish to remain relevant & respected in modern society.
I want to join the chorus of thank-yous for posting this. It requires both courage and character to speak honestly about your beliefs in such a respectful way. Coming away from evangelical Christianity has been overwhelmingly positive for me: it’s made me a better person, both more thoughtful and more humble, and given me a fresh sense of wonder, responsibility, and moral autonomy . I haven’t “come out” to my family yet, but the earnest dignity of your letter inspires me, and reassures me that it is possible to do this with grace. Thank you so much for posting.
I’m sorry if your family experiences a loss of community. Perhaps you’ll be able to hang on to your closer friends in the church. And hopefully, someday, we can have Church-like local communities for those of us who don’t need fear, dogma, or cosmic reward to reach out.
May humanity be the net that always catches you in times of need, and may your every prayer find the kind ear of an understanding loved one.
Meming follower here…
I just want to say that your letter is beautiful and people with such good minds and hearts as you two seem to have will certainly enjoy a life filled with good people who love you. Some of the faces may change but I think you’ll be surprised at how many you are able to keep, you two are obviously good people.
I do want to ask this: Isn’t the excitement of this new found freedom just wonderful? That was the best part of realizing that I was totally independent and free from all myth and superstition- I felt an empowering sense of control over my life.
May you enjoy your journey!
Well I could just about duplicate Calvin Lawson’s comment word for word! Having spent the first 30 years of my life in extreme christianism, merely coming out to myself as both gay and agnostic was an extremely difficult transition. I admire your courage in writing this post. It’s times like these you find out who your true friends and family are — those who love you for you, not for who they think you are.
You do not know me, but you have my sincere respect and admiration.
I come from a largely atheist country and can only begin to understand the courage it must have taken to write this letter, let alone post it. You have articulated a lot, if not all of the points I would make in a simliar situation and you have done so in a very heartfelt manner.
The freedom to choose my own spiritual path is something I often take for granted, but your letter has reminded me to take a minute and appreciate how lucky I am.
Thank you and stay strong
The good news is that amazing things are possible. I “came out” to my side of the family and to my husband and kids a few years ago. I have many friends who think similarly to how I think, and many who don’t, but who know where I stand. My husband is frequently astonished at the variety of friendships I am able to enjoy. He remains a Catholic, as is his family. This is a source of tension between us at times, but he has never been very staunch in his beliefs. I think he likes the tradition of it all. I have a “I won’t tell if nobody asks” policy. If anyone in the world asks me a direct question, I’ll give a direct answer. I find that people generally do not ask those kinds of questions though, unless they are the type to knock on my front door in order to save me, and I have no trouble telling them I am a strict athiest and I’m not interested.
I hope you enjoy your new freedom and the new friendships that will inevitably grow out of it. Good luck!
Hi guys, you were linked on Reddit. Just wanted to say that: if there’s a right way to do what you did then you did it. You have my congratulations on your commitment to the truth, and my condolences that many of your “friends” just won’t be able to deal with it. Good luck!
As part of the greater humanist community I wanted to say thank you for this post. I also wanted to say that while sadly you may be losing a part of your previous community, I want you to know as a parent and a family you are not alone. There are many of us out there who have found their way to another realization outside of religion who are working to build a community for like-minded parents. I saw that Dale McGowan commented above which I think is amazing! We are a family that is working with Parenting Beyond Belief to build a bigger community for people like us!
Stay strong and know there is a community here for you! Thank you again, as this gives courage to those that might be finding it hard to speak out for themselves!
Here from Meming of Life.
This is a beautiful letter. It is so genuine and honest without judgment. Amazing. I empathize and wish you the best.
Thanks for sharing this with all of us. As you can see by now–you’re not alone. Many people have been where you are now, and many people are yet to “come out” to their family and loved ones. I still haven’t shared my lack of belief with my family, and I’m still never sure I will unless I’m asked directly–I’m a chicken and would prefer to play the avoidance game forever. Friends are and were much easier to be open with.
You’ve already found a great resource with Dale McGowan–but if you want some more inspiration (and chuckles!) I recommend checking out Rechelle (http://mysistersfarmhouse.com/2010/01/how-i-became-an-atheist-a-parable/) and her recent posts where she came out as an atheist as well.
Thank you for this transparent and honest glimpse into your very personal lives.
My partner and I and our four grown children embarked on the same (but different )journey 8 years ago. Some of our christian friends have remained, others still look on puzzled.
As a family we have grown in quite different directions with regard to faith and belief – but what has come is a wonderful freedom to be ourselves and a deep adult respect for each other as we all embarked on our own journeys.
What I have noted is that all of us did need time to heal from spiritual abuse – which can be very painful and isolating.
I wish you well on your courageous journey of freedom and discovery.
Oh my. That must have been hard. We don’t know each other, but I am proud of you courage and openness. I have spent many years slowly letting my husband’s family know that I don’t share their beliefs.
At times it has been hard as some have felt my disagreement to be rejection. But we are working through these glitches. From your pensive and caring words, I have no doubt that you will also be able to work through any challenges.
Thank you for this. I made a similar transition some years ago, and like you it was a matter of realization. By now you’ve already gotten most of the responses you’re going to get from your Christian friends, both positive and negative, but in time I hope they’ll all understand and accept.
Thank you for sharing your journey with everyone. Honesty and truth should be the cornerstone of any relationship. Everyone should and will feel some loss when friendships (and illusions) end, there would be nothing to gain if we didnt. Your honesty will gain you respect and new friends as you have mine.
Annother fellow Canadian atheist.
I came here through Ex-Christian.net. Your story is compelling and heartfelt, and I wish the best for you. It’s strange that belief isn’t about choice. We believe what we find believable, and we reject the impossible. That is reality.
Kirby and Jennifer,
I’ll echo many of the comments. I got here from Dale McGowan’s Facebook page. I had a similar realization seven years ago after 35+ years as an evangelical Christian. The loss of much of my “glue” with my closest friends has been very painful.
I’ll especially echo Mason’s comment. My wife is a Christian counselor, and the change in my thinking has been very painful for her. You are very fortunate that you took this journey together and you have each other’s encouragement and support. Best wishes to your whole family.
Great letter! Wonderful bravery! I hope your friends don’t just “tolerate” but that they accept you for the person you are. The roots of what make you a good friend, good parent, ethical person, etc. are still within you and in your actions. Your acknowledgment of what your true beliefs are doesn’t change WHO you are. I hope your religious friends understand that.
This is a beautiful letter. For me, coming out was a bit easier because we were never really faithful church goers. It isn’t something I completely broadcast either though. Your little is wonderfully written & something I will remember reading. I think your letter is one, I’d point people to that do not fully understand what it is to be agnostic/atheist.
It is strange how similar it is to coming out of the closes like you mentioned. I told my mom that years ago & as soon as i said it, she was like wow that is exactly what it is like.
I hope your friends can except your decision! There are a lot of blogs for Atheist & Agnostic people, maybe you can find some comfort in reading them & seeing you are not alone.
Another reader from The Meming of Life, coming to welcome you to the community of those without religion.
I did not grow up in religion, but I am grateful for this online community of others that can’t use Church to find friends. Adding you to my Reader, and looking forward to getting to know you!
My husband and I have recently left the Mormon church, although he has been atheist for many years before me, but bless his heart (as we say here in GA) he supported me anyway. Like you I started to realize that I couldn’t support many of the beliefs of my church and all the others. I finally realized that I just didn’t believe in those things and felt that I could not lie about it by continuing to go through the motions. I felt that was disrespectful to the people I cared about who were believers. I was fortunate to have a supportive husband and a community of friends that were already atheist/agnostic. So the transition for me was smooth. We have not told my husband’s family yet, but have not tried to openly avoid it either. I don’t know how much they know, but it’s only a matter time before one of my kids (5 and 7) says something. I want to have “the talk” with them, but it’s my husband’s family and his decision about how to deal with it. I think the best thing we have done is to just be the same people we were. We still show our love and respect for them and still want to be included in all aspects of their lives.
I have found that I am much happier now. I like living my life without the divine tally sheet. It’s much more relaxing and it turns out that I still have morals.
Good luck to you. I think you will find that you are not alone.
Dan and Jennifer: Bon chance with your new life. I can’t empathize much because I left the Episcopal church around age seven – -argument with a Sunday school teacher over Evolution — which was really dumb because it turns out the teacher wasn’t following church doctrine in the first place. But that’s a key knowig in itself; most beleivers, openly or not, take what they personally like out of their Church and ignore the rest. IT’s one of the things I could never accept in a church.
Unlike you, I didn’t have any lifetime friends to lose over it, but I sincerely hope you find your way gracefully and peacefully.
I am curious how your children were / are affected, and how you dealt with that, and plan to continue dealing with it.
Hi Kirby,
I followed a link from Freakonomics to here and found this letter. I went through a similar “coming out” 1.5 years ago when my daughter was due to be baptized and I hadn’t made any arrangements yet. I’d been putting the conversation with my mother off since forever and ended up telling her over the phone that I no longer believed in god. However I have yet to reveal this to many of my other relatives because I’d rather avoid conflict and instead just stay silent on the topic. I applaud your decision and your courage. Good luck in finding and keeping your way and I hope the process is not too painful for you.
Welcome to the atheist club!
It is like I wrote your letter…I can’t believe how many people are experiencing about the same feeling! But, what do I do now?
Just wanted to say that I am what I think you’d call a pretty fervent believer… and a professor of theology. I feel some sadness about your post, but no hostility or anger. A lot of these comments seem to make it sound like there are two teams: atheists and believers. That’s just wrong on a number of levels. I wish you all the best.
I’ve been thinking about how you, or others watching your website, often use the word “belief”. You speak like it is a cognitive thing – or primarily about what one thinks. If it’s only in our mind, then how real is it?
Belief is supposed to be experiential. Belief in God is the experience of relating to God and being related to by God. Not as a contrived mental act but the voice of God speaking and the hand of God acting in our regular experience of living. That is relationship -actual interaction between two beings.
I thought I would mention the difference to help clarify things in the ongoing conversation.
Hope you are keeping well.
Blame it on my parents. They always told me to “think for myself”. I doubt they ever considered what would happen if I really did that.
Now, I suspect what they meant was, “Think what we tell you but do it in your own words.” Too late. When I was 13, I began to question everything and soon the total absurdity of religion became apparent.
Because I have been “encouraged” (forced) to read the bible several times, it was easy for me to see the contradictions in the book, what christians professed to believe, and how they lived.
When I refused to go with them to their church, they said they “Would make me go.”
I asked them, “How are you going to make me? How will forcing me to attend church change my mind?” Already, their attitude was starting to harden me against everything else they would tell me.
Their next idea was to have their minister talk to me. I told them it was a waste of everyone’s time. They persisted and had him come to the house to “Talk some sense into me.” (as if they ever works for anyone) After about 15 minutes, of him quoting the bible to me and me pointing out that he was either wrong in his quotes or showing him how it said something else in another place, he became very angry and told me I was going to hell. I suspect it was because I knew the bible better than he did and was, at age 13, able to prove how ridiculous his arguments were.
I told him, “If there is a Hell I’ll see you there. Save me a nice place, OK?” He said I was an impertinent, disrespectful child. By then, I was angry myself and for the first time, I told a christian that he was a hypocrite, a liar, and a fool. My parents insisted that I apologize. I refused and left the room to a lot of yelling and threats.
For the next four years, I heard about this at least once a week. So the night I graduated high school, I left my parent’s home and didn’t see them again for well over a year. By then, I had completed a couple of years of college, which fortunately, I was able to pay for myself. I was entering the army and wanted to try to make peace with them, but had to listen to the same old recriminations and arguments again.
The next time I saw them was two years later when I was getting married. After several years of an on-again, off-again relationship they finally agreed to just not discuss it any more. I’d like to say that worked, but slowly subtle hints became outright condemnation. Then I took a job transfer from Ohio to Arizona, so family meetings were rare enough to become occasions for something other than contention.
What did I learn? Even your family can turn against you if you refuse to share in their illusions.
StumbledUpon your post. I admire your intellectual honesty and your courage in the face of what may be very painful social consequences.
If there were more people like you in the world, perhaps no one need to fear such consequences…
Both congratulations and condolences for making such a difficult and true decision that will undoubtedly lead to the loss of a number of personal relationships, but will i hope long before the end lead you all to the fulfillment and happiness I think this letter proves you deserve.
Cheers from a fellow agnostic.
Thanks! I really enjoyed reading your “coming out” letter! I currently remain in the closet. Only my husband and a couple of family members know. Like you I have come to a point in my life were I realize that I no longer believe all the things that I was taught to believe as a child and I am daily confronted to what we should be teaching our children now because up until now they were practically born in the church – lol!!! Unlike some of the commenters here however, I do still believe “God is”, but not the God that religion purports. Still on the journey! Anyway, I think it is great you shared your experience because it is truly helpful and encouraging for others who are on the same path! Much Love & Peace to you and your family!!!
Perusing the responses…it looks like only 2-3 christians from your life responded. I’d imagine that your social circle was larger. It saddens me to think that only a few were willing to post. I also imagine you heard from more in person or over the phone.
I barely came “out of the closet” to my dad and step-mom last summer and I know it’s changed our whole dynamic…sad.
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