August 27, 2008
For those of you who know me in person, this may not come as a surprise.
I hate superficiality.
Seriously.
When people asked me how I was, I dutifully smiled and said fine, meanwhile screaming inside of my head that I’m not fine. Yet I knew, I must confess from experience, that if I told the truth I would alienate the dear person who inquired about the state of my life.
And so I hate superficiality and yet feel obligated not to burden those who are not prepared to share the weight of my craziness.
I feel that same way about this blog. I know several people out there read our blog. I know some of you in person. Some of you are complete strangers. And yet I struggle with what it means to be truthful or transparent here in this place. In all honesty, I don’t really want to be completely honest with you all. And yet to be less than honest is not an option. So my little bit of space here on the internet is silent.
I’ve been mulling exactly why it is that I feel such an inability to be truthful. Here are two guesses:
- I am afraid you won’t read my blog anymore, and somehow that would amount to complete rejection, (even if I don’t know you read it) and though I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, it does.
- I am afraid that something I might blunder on about will hurt your feelings and you will leave, which honestly would be even worse than the first reason.
And yet I feel some sort of responsibility to share things here, because I can’t help wondering if my own confessions won’t help someone else.
I have great life.
I have a wonderfully compassionate and graceful husband.
I have the best children in the whole entire world. (I realize I may be biased!)
I live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world that is considered in the top five for standard of living.
I own my home and nice clothes and a newer car and more books than I will admit to.
I believe with my whole heart that life is good and that I can help to make it better for the people around me, my community and ultimately the world..
So why does everything in my life seems so difficult?
Why am I haunted by mistakes I have made and might make in the future?
Why am I constantly suffering under the weight of disillusionment and disappointment?
Why do other people not have this all-encompassing struggle with worry and self-recrimination?
Where is the line between sharing our burdens and just plain ugly complaining?
I have more questions than answers. In fact, I don’t have any answers at all. All I have is a blessed life that I don’t deserve and can’t understand. A bunch of problems I often feel overwhelmed and defeated by.
Really what more is there to write. If you want to be party to my struggles, let me know. Otherwise, I think my blogging hiatus may continue for awhile.
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August 27th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
MrsPages,
I’ve been thinking about this too, and a conversation with Ash the other day brought it back to the forefront. I’ve realized that I do not have many deep friendships. This isn’t to say that my friendships are all shallow. I have a lot of friends that I feel close to and enjoy being with, but in very few of those do I feel able to truly talk about deep issues. Part of this is as you said, part of acceptable conversation etiquette. We simply cannot go deep with everyone, it would be too exhausting. I think, for me, the other factor is busyness of life. Many friends I only see too briefly to talk about real life without feeling like dumping and running. I think that I need to be better at reaching out and creating a few deeper friendships.
I can relate about the loss of words or answers. Often I can’t even explain to MrBranches about what’s going on in my mind. I think I need more time with myself too. Please don’t feel that needing to step away from the blogosphere is a bad thing. Time with the Pages and yourself and God is more important. Blogging life is just a fun hobby, and I don’t think any of your reader/friends would fault you for taking any needed breaks. I admit that I often look here to feel like I’m keeping in contact with you in some way, but I need to just pick up the phone. I miss you and the rest of the Pages. And I want to make more of an effort to connect with you guys. I apologize for letting it slide. We really appreciate your friendship. I’m glad to hear that we’ll see you soon. MrBranches and Not-so-BabyBranches (I’ll need a new name for him soon) are excited too.
August 29th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
The right answer for me to say is “I completely understand you needing a blog break if that is what you desire. That’s what I need sometimes too”. But what I want to say is “Please blog about your stuff because I’m guessing it may parallel mine and I can glean from your experience.” Also I don’t have the benefit of knowing you in person and so can’t catch up that way.
Still, I feel like I want to tell you that I have just been reading “Forgiveness” by Charles Stanley. It is radically challenging my tendency to confess a sin and then steal it back from the foot of the cross. It is making me unable to really say “In Christ I am forgiven” and then to act like I’m not. Maybe it isn’t what you need or where you are at but when you said:
“Why am I haunted by mistakes I have made and might make in the future?
Why am I constantly suffering under the weight of disillusionment and disappointment?
Why do other people not have this all-encompassing struggle with worry and self-recrimination?”
it sounded like me. And it sounded like what I was helped by in that book. Of course if I just would dwell in the Word I may not need other books, but something in how Stanley said things made scripture clear to me.
Anyway, as I continue to go on and on….I do read. I will continue to read. Or I will wait….whichever you need.