I am a romantic. I love romances. Not the sleazy kind that is mostly what you find on the shelves today, but the old fashioned kind like Jane Eyre and Pride and Prejudice. The ones where the heroine finds her soul mate and they are forever happy.
Enter MrPages. He was and is handsome and dashing. He lived a little on the edge, but not enough to be dangerous. He was the consummate gentlemen, always willing to hold a door open for a lady or stop and help a car stuck in the snowbank. He was my everything.
Now, our marriage hasn’t been easy. MrPages has had to learn to live with me, and I with him, although I imagine his job has been much more difficult. I have a lot of poor coping skills. And I’m a woman. And he’s a man. And well, our marriage hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always been there.
We’ve known each other for 22 years. We’ve been a couple for 16 years and we’ve been married for 13 1/2 years. For the last thirteen years, we have been rarely apart, and for the last seven years, MrPages has worked from home.
On the few occasions when he travelled for business, we would spend at least an hour every night catching up, talking things over.
He left last Wednesday and I didn’t have any contact with him other than a short email, and the blog, until Sunday afternoon when he called to tell me about the tragedy. We couldn’t really talk. The phone line was lousy and I was shouting at him, just to be heard. And we were both in shock.
The last three days since the call have been horrific. I have been an emotional basket case. My children are laying low, trying to avoid the tears and I haven’t eaten anything in two days. I miss him so much and it hurts so much, and I got angry.
I couldn’t figure out where the anger was coming from. I thought I was jealous of his trip. I thought I was resentful that I hadn’t had a vacation in several years. But tonight I realized I wasn’t angry that he was there and I wasn’t. I was angry that where he was I wasn’t. A part of my soul was ripped out of me, and I couldn’t connect with it all.
Tonight my techie sweetie arranged an internet chat room (sounds kind of sleazy!?) and I got to pour it all out to him. He is so gracious and understanding. Not only is he dealing with all this stuff, but he’s also dealing with my stuff, long distance. But it was so good to connect with him. To see his words come up on the screen and imagine sitting beside him in the cafe.
And tonight I laughed with my children. Tonight I smiled as I tucked them into their beds, long past their bedtimes because we stayed up chatting.
Tonight I will not cry myself to sleep. Tonight I am a little more whole than I was yesterday.
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Makes me think of lyrics from a Sara Groves’ song “Roll To the Middle”
“This is how I know our love, and this is when I feel its power, here in the absence of it, this is my darkest hour”
It’s a really great song that I think you’d like (in fact you may like her already for all I know.)
Not that it’s the ‘same’ but this post reminded me of a time when my husband was working a low paying general labour job and we couldn’t afford a car so he took the stinky bus for an hour to work to (literally) scrape maggots off of rented dishes, and I stayed at home with 4 kids 3 and under and I remember feeling jealous…or something. What I wouldn’t give for an hour of quiet to and from work. When’s my lunch hour? When’s my coffee break. Of course, selfishly forgetting what he had to put up with, and him wishing he could just come home and hug a daughter or two. You still in my prayers.
Thank-you so much for your words of encouragement Barbara. I appreciate them.
Hi Mrs. Pages, I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing a bit better….sorry I haven’t sent anything to you. It has felt like all I could do to blog my stuff. I thot of you today during your workshop. I just realized that I should probably be emailing this, but the internet is exceedingly slow tonight, so this will have to do! I’m feeling like anything I say will come out trite – just know that I’ve been thinking of you.. love you, D.
I love you. I miss you. I wish we had shared this together too. A mistake we will never make again.
And since you gave me that great sunblock, I’m not nearly as tanned as the guy in the photo. Who are you holding hands with????
Oh dear!
I have some explaining, I guess…
Page1 just worried that people might not know I’m joking…
So, in case y’all wondered, I’m joking!